Losing Poppy is the hardest, most heart shattering experience we have been through. No parent should have to say goodbye to their baby. No parent should have to face the decisions we have had to make. Our journey should just not happen.
Our Poppy was extremely poorly so the worst decision ever was placed in our hands. The decision we made was to ultimately save our baby from pain, suffering and distress. As parents our role is to protect our children but we couldn’t protect Poppy. Our only way to save her was to let her go in the most painless way possible. And devastatingly this was to bring our pregnancy to an end.
So at 23 weeks +5 days I had to consent and have a procedure to stop Poppy’s heartbeat. That day was and always will be the hardest and most painful day of my life. Signing those forms to ultimately end my baby’s life completely destroyed my soul. Laying on that bed as the doctor and midwives prepared for the procedure knowing what was about to happen will haunt me forever. Watching the pure pain on my husband’s face as he held my hand, tears streaming down his cheeks as the doctor injected through my tummy into my baby’s heart will be etched on my mind for eternity. Seeing the doctor silently nod as he looked at the scanning machine to confirm our baby had slipped away, well no words can be found.
Afterwards we sat in a side room. Our midwife cuddled us and we just sat and talked. I felt numb to the core. After a while we were called back in as the doctor had to confirm that Poppy had gone. The room was quiet and the doctor silently nodded his head again. I held my belly, cradling my beautiful baby, all I could say was I was sorry. We sat again in the side room and I had to take a tablet to prepare my body for labour. I would be admitted to my local hospital 2 days later to be induced.
We left the hospital. I felt empty. My heart was beyond repair. I can remember walking through the waiting room of the fetal medicine department trying not to make eye contact with any of the expectant mums. Preying that none of them had to go through what we just had. Preying they couldn’t see the pain and desperation etched in mine and my husband’s eyes.
If you need additional support:
Arc – Antenatal results and choices.
Petals – The Baby Loss Counselling Charity.
Tommy’s – Baby Charity – Together, for every baby.
Sands – Stillbirth and neonatal death charity.
All content is my own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experience from my own journey of baby loss. This post may contain affiliate links, please see the Copyright and Disclosures page for more information.