Christmas without you is hard. Such an array of emotions when everyone around you is celebrating. It’s a time for family but when you have a part of yourself in heaven you’re forever torn between here and there.
We’ve never been able to spend a Christmas with Poppy. We’ve never been able to open presents with her, visit Santa or see the magic and wonder in her eyes.
Poppy was born sleeping on 20th October 2018 so our first Christmas without her everything was so very raw. If it hadn’t been for our other children I don’t think we would have put decorations up and most probably would have gone away. I can remember just going through the motions and everything just being a blur. I was there but my mind and heart was in a completely different place.
To anyone who is spending their first Christmas without their baby be gentle on yourself. There is no right or wrong way to get through the festivities or to even grieve. You need to do whatever you feel is right for you. It’s ok to cry, to laugh, feel sad or to feel happy. Whatever emotion it is you are feeling it is fine. Just do what you need to do. Starting traditions can be special and . Having decorations with your babies name on, hanging a stocking for them, writing a letter or just lighting a candle.
Christmas has always been my favourite time of year, we even got married at Christmas. But since losing Poppy the magic and sparkle is not the same anymore. We are blessed to have Poppy’s sister and brothers to keep the fun and magic alive. They have, without question, incorporated her into all of our family traditions and they love to make her grave Christmassy. At the same time this breaks my heart that the only decorating we can do is at her grave.
One part of Christmas I love is the sprinkling of Poppy’s name around the house. We have so much of Poppy already but at Christmas we have so many decorations and ornaments with her name on. It’s just beautiful to see her there. We decorate her grave and she has her own Christmas tree too. We will do this at some point together in December and we will always go to her Christmas morning too. It’s always so peaceful at Poppy’s grave and with the bells ringing it is incredibly emotional too.
To anyone who is supporting a grieving parent at Christmas please say our babies names. Write their names in cards or even just a little symbol which represents our baby. Don’t be scared to say our babies names it’s pure music to our ears. It shows you acknowledge our baby, love our baby and that our baby is always a part of us.
Wishing you all a gentle Christmas. With love from my family to yours x
If you need additional support this Christmas:
Arc – Antenatal results and choices.
Petals – The Baby Loss Counselling Charity.
Tommy’s – Baby Charity – Together, for every baby.
Sands – Stillbirth and neonatal death charity.
ALL CONTENT IS MY OWN THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, BELIEFS AND EXPERIENCE FROM MY OWN JOURNEY OF BABY LOSS. THIS POST MAY CONTAIN AFFILIATE LINKS, PLEASE SEE THE COPYRIGHT AND DISCLOSURES PAGE FOR MORE INFORMATION.