When I first started writing about Poppy and our journey, I promised myself that I would be honest and open. Speaking from the heart can be incredibly hard especially when talking about our experience of TFMR (Termination for medical reasons). At the beginning of our journey I was desperately seeking people who would be honest with me. At the time we were beyond scared and devastated. We were facing decisions no parent should ever have to face.
Once in the depths of the baby loss community I found the support I was seeking and desperately needed. I found people who understood how I felt and who didn’t judge my grief. They accepted that Poppy is my daughter, that Poppy existed and that I will forever grieve for her. I have found lifelong friends and connections which have been formed from our beautiful babies. As much as I need this support now I also needed it when our world was rapidly crumbling around us.
So I began to write. Write down what we’d been through, still go through and what we felt. There are parts that belong to just us and that’s where they will stay. Once I felt brave enough I began to share. I still get scared when I share but I take myself back to those moments when I felt I couldn’t go on. Where just getting out of bed took everything in me. Where the raw fear and pain accumulated in my chest and it felt as though I couldn’t breath. I don’t ever want anyone to feel this by themselves and to think nobody else understands.
Over two years on from the start of our journey I am still finding life hard. The pain is always there but you learn ways to cope with it. The last few months have accumulated and just recently I needed to stop and ask for help. I spoke to my Bereavement Midwife and my GP and they have both put strategies in place for me. I know the pain of losing Poppy will never go but I have reached a point where I am unable to manage this pain by myself or with the support of my husband (I know how hard he finds this but I honestly couldn’t have a more supportive husband -I wouldn’t be where I am today without him).
From speaking to parents at the start of their journey to others that have been travelling this road for many many years this pain will forever be a part of me. This is what happens when a part of you is not with you and you have so much love to give.
I will forever tell people to reach out for help when they need too. I’m not particularly good at taking my own advice and it took me a while to reach out. My flashbacks have increased, as has my anxiety and my fear of losing again. I think that currently living through a global pandemic hasn’t helped. But it all leads back to the trauma of getting to Poppy’s diagnosis, procedures no parent should ever have to consent to or go through, saying goodbye and giving birth to our beautiful baby who was already dreaming. And on top of this learning to live without our precious daughter and navigating an array of emotions which I never even knew existed.
Our journey has been beyond anything I ever imagined we would go through. We have hit the darkest depths that life can throw us. I will forever try to use our journey to help those who need it. Not just those who tragically experience a devastating diagnosis but to all those in the baby loss community.
ALL CONTENT IS MY OWN THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, BELIEFS AND EXPERIENCE FROM MY OWN JOURNEY OF BABY LOSS. THIS POST MAY CONTAIN AFFILIATE LINKS, PLEASE SEE THE COPYRIGHT AND DISCLOSURES PAGE FOR MORE INFORMATION.