Five. This is our number. This is the number of beautiful babies we have created. Yet the world only see 3. The world see my precious daughter and 2 precious sons.
What the world doesn’t see is tucked away in my heart. What the world doesn’t see is an abundance of love and pain like no other. A pain no parent should ever have to experience.
In March 2017 we went through the heartbreak of an early miscarriage at six and a half weeks. Our precious baby was gone before we had the chance to announce them to the world. We had two weeks of hopes, dreams and a lifetime of memories yet to make before these were torn away from us.
In October 2018 our world crumbled in the worst way possible. As parents we had to make the ultimate sacrifice. We had to let Poppy go to save her from pain and suffering. We gave her, her wings so that she could fly high away from our cruel world.
I can accept that our miscarriage is not counted in our numbers by others. We were heartbroken and it’s a time in our lives that I found extremely hard. But Poppy I can not accept. I grew her in my tummy, I heard her heartbeat, I felt her kick and wriggle about, my husband and children felt her kick and move, I gave birth to her, we held her, we made memories with her, she was blessed and anointed, we have photos of her, I dressed her, we held her some more, I sat and read stories to her as she laid snuggled in her basket in the Chapel of rest, we had a funeral for her, we buried her, we visit her grave regularly, we talk about her each and every day. This and so much more. She is us.
So that simple, innocent question of how many children do you have to some, like us, is not always so simple. If people give you their truthful answer please stop and listen. Don’t shut them down. If you find their answer hard that is absolutely nothing to the pain of what they have been through, what they still go through and the pain they will hold for the rest of their lives.
Our babies have every right to be recognised and acknowledged. They have every right to be counted in the numbers of children, grandchildren, cousins, the list goes on. They were here, their heart did beat, they have impacted our lives just as much as our living children. They were real and to us we carry them in our hearts and they will be a part of our lives until we can be with them again.
If you need additional support:
Arc – Antenatal results and choices.
Petals – The Baby Loss Counselling Charity.
Tommy’s – Baby Charity – Together, for every baby.
Sands – Stillbirth and neonatal death charity.
All content is my own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and experience from my own journey of baby loss. This post may contain affiliate links, please see the Copyright and Disclosures page for more information.