A year since our hardest goodbye

A year ago today we said our hardest ever goodbye. We laid our beautiful Poppy to rest. A parent should never ever have to bury their child. It was one of the toughest days of our lives yet Poppy’s service was beautiful and perfect for our little angel.

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Elephant on my chest

Elephant on my chest. This is the only way I can describe how my emotional pain became physical. I felt as though my chest was being crushed and I was fighting for breath. It felt as though an elephant was sitting on my chest.

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On the day you were due

Post image: On the day you were due.

Dear Poppy

So today is the day you were due to enter into our world. A day we were so excited about. But instead 16 weeks ago today you entered our world dreaming sweet dreams. How I wish things were different and we were waiting anxiously to meet you.

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Just because….

Just because I don’t have my baby in my arms it doesn’t mean that I’m not her Mummy. That I didn’t give birth to her, that my body hasn’t had to recover from pregnancy, labour and birth.

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What Feticide really means

Feticide. One of many medical words which I wish I knew absolutely nothing about. Feticide is a medical procedure to stop your baby’s heart from beating before inducing labour 48 hours later.

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To My Midwives, Thank You Will Never Be Enough

To my midwives, thank you will never be enough…..

To Sarah the midwife who took care of us after our 20 week scan when concerns were first picked up. Thank you for sitting with us as I cried and for sorting our hospital appointment at UCLH so fast. Thank you for ringing to check we were OK and to get updates from our visits to London. For talking me through what I needed to do the day before our induction.

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Making Memories

Making memories was something that never occurred to me when going into hospital to give birth to Poppy. The day before our induction day Rob and I went shopping for a blanket and teddy for Poppy. We got two so Poppy could have one set and us the other. On the morning my induction began one of the midwives said to us that we would have plenty of opportunities to make memories. At the time I didn’t really know what she meant and didn’t think much more about it. My mind was racing with the unknown of Poppy’s induction and I wasn’t really taking much on board.

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Compassionate Induction

Compassionate Induction. Two words which my bereavement midwife gave to me. Two words which have brought me a little comfort. What my Bereavement Midwife means by Compassionate Induction is bringing a pregnancy to an end when you have no choice. The only way to save your baby is to let your baby go. We really had no choice. Our precious baby had too many brain abnormalities. We had scans externally and internally by a fetal medicine doctor who had never before seen the abnormalities Poppy had. An MRI was performed to confirm the scan results. We had meetings with consultants, doctors and midwives. We also had a neo natal team for our case. Our baby was beyond poorly.

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Losing Poppy

Losing Poppy is the hardest, most heart shattering experience we have been through. No parent should have to say goodbye to their baby. No parent should have to face the decisions we have had to make. Our journey should just not happen.

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